Household Principles for Children from the Old Testament -

Lamentations of the Father by Ian Frazier
 


 Laws of Forbidden Places 




Of the beasts of the field, and of the fishes of the sea, and of

all foods that are acceptable in my sight you may eat, but not

in the living room.



Of the hoofed animals, broiled or ground into burgers, you may

eat, but not in the living room.



Of the cloven-hoofed animal, plain or with cheese, you may eat,

but not in the living room.



Of the cereal grains, of the corn and of the wheat and of the oats,

and of all the cereals that are

of bright color and unknown provenance you may eat, but not in

the living room.



Of quiescently frozen dessert and of all frozen after-meal treats

you may eat, but absolutely not in the living room.



Of the juices and other beverages, yes, even of those in sippy-cups,

you may drink, but not in the

living room, neither may you carry such therein.



Indeed, when you reach the place where the living room carpet begins,

of any food or beverage there

you may not eat, neither may you drink. But if you are sick, and

are lying down and watching

something, then may you eat in the living room.





Laws When at Table 




And if you are seated in your high chair, or in a chair such as

a greater person might use, keep

your legs and feet below you as they were.



Neither raise up your knees, nor place your feet upon the table,

for that is an abomination to me.

Yes, even when you have an interesting bandage to show, your feet

upon the table are an abomination,

and worthy of rebuke.



Drink your milk as it is given you, neither use on it any utensils,

nor fork, nor knife, nor spoon,

for that is not what they are for; if you will dip your blocks

in the milk, and lick it off, you will be sent away.



When you have drunk, let the empty cup then remain upon the table,

and do not bite it upon its edge

and by your teeth hold it to your face in order to make noises

in it sounding like a duck: for you

will be sent away.



When you chew your food, keep your mouth closed until you have

swallowed, and do not open it to show your brother or your sister

what is within; I say to you, do not so, even if your brother or

your sister has done the same to you.



Eat your food only; do not eat that which is not food; neither

seize the table between your jaws,

nor use the raiment of the table to wipe your lips. I say again

to you, do not touch it, but leave it as it is.



And though your stick of carrot does indeed resemble a marker,

draw not with it upon the table, even in pretend, for we do not

do that, that is why. And though the pieces of broccoli are very

like small trees, do not stand them upright to make a forest, because

we do not do that, that is why.



Sit just as I have told you, and do not lean to one side or the

other, nor slide down until you are nearly slid away. Heed me;

for if you sit like that, your hair will go into the syrup. And

now

behold, even as I have said, it has come to pass.





 
Laws Pertaining to Dessert


For we judge between the plate that is unclean and the plate that

is clean, saying first, if the

plate is clean, then you shall have dessert.



But of the unclean plate, the laws are these: If you have eaten

most of your meat, and two bites of

your peas with each bite consisting of not less than three peas

each, or in total six peas, eaten

where I can see, and you have also eaten enough of your potatoes

to fill two forks, both forkfuls

eaten where I can see, then you shall have dessert.



But if you eat a lesser number of peas, and yet you eat the potatoes,

still you shall not have

dessert; and if you eat the peas, yet leave the potatoes uneaten,

you shall not have dessert, no,

not even a small portion thereof.



And if you try to deceive by moving the potatoes or peas around

with a fork, that it may appear you

have eaten what you have not, you will fall into iniquity. And

I will know, and you shall have no

dessert.





On Screaming 




Do not scream; for it is as if you scream all the time. If you

are given a plate on which two foods

you do not wish to touch each other are touching each other, your

voice rises up even to the

ceiling, while you point to the offense with the finger of your

right hand; but I say to you, scream not, only remonstrate gently

with the server, that the server may correct the fault.



Likewise if you receive a portion of fish from which every piece

of herbal seasoning has not been

scraped off, and the herbal seasoning is loathsome to you and steeped

in vileness, again I say,

refrain from screaming.



Though the vileness overwhelm you, and cause you a faint unto death,

make not that sound from within

your throat, neither cover your face, nor press your fingers to

your nose. For even I have made the fish as it should be; behold,

I eat it myself, yet do not die.